Sunday, August 11, 2019

365: Son and Daughter Day

To my sweet boy,

Today, August 11, is Sons and Daughters Day. I found it fitting to write a letter to you to commemorate the day. In full disclosure, most of this letter was written on August 12. I started the letter last night and then you woke up screaming for me. The only thing you wanted to do was be held by me. Not your dad. Not in your crib. Just me. So I held you instead of blogging.

Like most blogs, I try to plan out what I write, but spontaneity felt better for this one. So, here it is.

I love you, Jude. You are the best thing that I have ever made, and I will never be the same again in the most beautiful way possible. Life gets crazy. I get tired and cranky. I don't feel like cleaning up the chaos of our play sessions. I don't want to be touched for just one moment. 'I just want to be alone.

Worst of all, my anxiety and depression starts flaring up and I can feel myself falling. I made a promise to myself that I would never drag you down with me, so I grab on to anything I can and pull myself up. For you. You are my shining star in the painfully dark nights that I am prone to have. But in all the darkness, you shine through. You remind me of the beauty and light in this world.

I will not always be the best mom in the world, or even a great mom, but I will do my best for you. I will always do my best. I will drag myself out from the pit. I will hold you when all I want to do is hide under the blankets. I will take a shower, brush my hair, and go interact with other adults so you can play with your friends, even if my anxiety feels like it pushing so hard my bones will crack. I will make you your favorite foods and refill your water cup 100 times even when I don't feel like doing that for myself.

I will keep you safe. You will be loved. And most of all, if you ever fall into darkness like I do, I will pull you out. Hold you. Love you. I will be your star like you are mine.

I think you get the star shining from your dad. He's always been such a light in my life, and your bright personality reminds me of him. I'm thankful for that.

You are the best son a mom could ever want. Every day is son and daughter day when you have a kid as great as you. I love you.

Love always, Mama

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