Sunday, May 12, 2019

365: Mother's Day

May 12 is Mother's Day. I know it's not a wacky holiday, but I wanted to spend time with Jude instead of scrabbling around setting up an activity.
I will, however, share a letter that I wrote to Jude far before we ever knew he was coming. It's from a notebook that I kept from December 27, 2016 - May 17, 2018. I wrote every night before bed. The letters span fertility treatments, failed tests, pain, and hope.

December 27, 2016
Hello Baby C,

It's mom. By the time you get this notebook, you will definitely not be a baby and it's doubtful your name starts with a C. Your dad and I have two top names right now: Olivia June and Jude Christopher. So, hi Olivia or Jude.

As I was saying, I am your mom. Before you have to do the math (and if you're anything like me, you won't want to do it), I am not currently pregnant with you. To be honest, I am not certain that I can even get pregnant. Your dad and I have been trying for 10 months to no avail. What is important for you to know is that whether you were born from me or another woman selflessly carries you, I love you and I have never wanted anything more in the world than to hold you in my arms. And I know for a fact that your dad feels that same way.

This journey has been far from fun in the last 10 months. From doctor's appointments to blood draws to failed tests and more tears that you could imagine, it has been a wild ride. It is journey that regardless of its setbacks, ends with you, my sweet child. So, I will do anything and everything I can to fight and continue fighting for you. Always.

I hope this journal fulfills two major things. I hope it provides me some peace in this journey, and I hope it serves to be an interesting and thoughtful gift to tell you about life before you came to us. If it makes it to you, please know that it is almost as much of a miracle as you are to me and your dad. See, your mom can be pretty forgetful and spacey, as I'm sure you already know by spending your life with me. I mean well. Always know that.

We are ready for you, baby. So whenever you are ready for us, we will be waiting to love you for all of time.

Love always,

Happy Mother's Day.

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